my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
we both passed out while playing beer pong, woke up in the morning and continued to play coffee pong to cure our hangovers
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
Randomize
