i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
Randomize
