I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
Currently listening to 'Just Put it in Your Mouth.' remember when i went through that phase?
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
she keeps dunkaroos and gatorade in her bed. yep pretty sure im in love.
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
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