Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
Well, for starters you dressed up in all Green and kept singing that song from "A Goofy Movie". Then you made us call you Powerline for the rest of the night...needless to say no, you didn't hook up with her
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
Threesome in a minivan. New low
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
Randomize