My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
things it involved: vodka, boy parts, possible photos of me on a cell phone. things it did NOT involve last night: my bra, his pants, and sobriety.
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
If i theoretically had to put an iv back in what do I need to do?
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
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