You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Randomize
