Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
seriously considering getting an electric blanket rather than sleeping with guys this winter for warmth.
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
Randomize
