I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
its officail im naming my first born child brickbreaker
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
I'm getting married
To pizza
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
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