Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
He just showed up. He's like 5'8 and brought a beer pong table that has " I love gay boys" on it. How could this go wrong
SEX BINGO!
Canadian or clown?
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
Hold your horses dude. Titty pics are a work of art.
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
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