i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
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