Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
at FSU your more likely to get an STD than a parking spot
So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Randomize
