I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
We were doing it doggy style, and I puked on the floor and started crying, he told me it was okay his cat would eat it... and if it would make me feel better we could do anal...
And they lived happily ever after....
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
He just found another high guy at wal-mart. There now friends. His friend is eating a cupcake
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
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