Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
dude relax anyone of us could have gotten that girl pregnant
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
My feelings for him are donzo molonzo but I can't turn down a pierced penis...
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
