good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
So she couldn't stop dragging her teeth while she was blowing me.
Ahh dude, that fucking sucks, what'd you do about it?
Decided to drag my teeth while eating her out... She got the point.
I think we should urban dictionary "drive of shame." It involves a sprint to your car in his underwear and shirt, surreptitiously trying to put on your bra on at stoplights without attracting attention from neighboring cars, and lurking in your car a block from home so you can know when your roommate leaves for work.
And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
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