I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
i just used my scantron for my final to make paper shotglasses. i'd say i passed in flying colors.
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
He got cut off by the bartender. So he kept buying people drinks of they would i get him a drink. Before you know it him and 8 people were outside the bat trying to get people. To by them drinks
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
So my POF profile is full of Archer references. Only guys who get them will be getting any response to their messages.
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
Randomize
