You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
I'm not saying we can't have sex tonight, I'm just saying we have to work it around Lost.
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
Help me help you realize you are a moron
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
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