Why. Ill be the rabbit if ull be the carrot.
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
Randomize
