You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
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