You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
he put $150 on the cabs dash so 9 of us could pile in and ride 3 blocks to the apartment.
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
Randomize
