I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
this beer tastes like vomit already
All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
Randomize
