bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
I hate to tell you this, but your sister reeks of whore.
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
no more duck duck goose at the bar
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
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