Nope changed our mind. Decided your strange bacon like body odor wasn't what we want to smell tonight.
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
it tasted disgusting. but i pretty much drank it in the name of science, and free alcohol
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Randomize
