We stole some shitttt from king sooper's. fuck yeaaa
what did you steal
frozen pizza, cat litter, and preperation H. not much different than my usual grocery list.
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
Randomize