my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
i normally make it a rule to leave when white people start rapping... but they had blow.
when i was alone, his dick was there for me...
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
