Is there a reason "Call me when you're legal" is written on my arm? I'm 22..
please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
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