My sheets look like a crime scene.
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
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