you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
