Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
Randomize
