you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
You may now shotgun with the bride
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
Tackling and headbutting friends, running away and hiding from everyone, attempting to streak across campus, and then waking up with no sign of a hangover... happy 21 to me
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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