Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
Then that is decided. Fuck away my little bunny rabbit.
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
My feet surprised me
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize