What a fucking waste of an outfit
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
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