i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
you made out with another girl for some wings
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
Road head absolutely translates. That's the beauty of road head... It's so portable!
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
its liver damage thursday
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
Randomize