i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
You guys bombarded us in the bathroom and that kid whipped his dick out and peed in the sink.
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
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