She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
I will pee on everything he values.
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
i don't know what body building stuff he's on, but his cum is basically a 5 hour energy shot.
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Randomize
