Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
My balls are so social today.
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
He literally asked permission to hit on me
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