I just didn't expect you to be so naked....
My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
Randomize
