the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
Randomize
