did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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