Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
she has a miserable personality but its a good think you dont have sex with that
pussy has no personality
Amen to that
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
the cops accepted 42 wallaby way Sydney. and the cops, and cab driver accepted the new address. please tell the win i am experiencing
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
Randomize
