my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
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