the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
All I remember is him trying to go down on me, but I guess I was too busy making out with his brother
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
She is still out of it but keeps saying ur name she said to tell u dinosaurs aren't real but biscuit with a z made bad choices
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
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