listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
Randomize