So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
he was sobbing,drinking his beer, all while confessing his love for her. awkward was an understatement...
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
Randomize
