this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
He was actually able to throw up in the bucket from the top bunk. im impressed.
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
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