I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
he had me stop mid-blow job to make me use my phone to id a song on the radio..
i wasnt really sure how to responde to that.
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
No. Every time we go there, you end up getting high, then lost, then going home with strangers.
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
What is ur current declared sexuality for my bingo board
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Randomize
