I faked an abortion last night.
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
Randomize
