Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
I have peed in a lot of sinks
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
Randomize
