wait, do i give off the impression that i DON'T want girls to show me their boobs if i video chat with them?
69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
YOU UNCULTURED BADGER
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
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