I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
I think our camping neighbours like us. We're the drunk girls trying to chop firewood with no pants on at 3 in the afternoon.
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
it was the kind of sex that I don't even know how my hair extentions are still in
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
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