I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
my ass has officially been on the floor of every fraternity on this campus
and who said we didn't have goals?
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Randomize
