Will you blow on my dice?
I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
Capitaan dildo arrescate!
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
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