I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
hahaha he is wasted in math class right now and is drawing all the planets in order from the sun
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
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