I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
her voice honestly makes me want to vomit. i have springsteen cranked up all the way.
can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
You're earring is so big in my mouth
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
Randomize
